Mullet Watch '08

I have come across a variety of mullets within the past fews weeks, more so than normal, and so I think we all know what this means: It’s time for Mullet Watch ’08. The first installment will begin right-freaking-now (ohmygodohmygodohmygod.) It is first necessary to lay down the Official Mullet Watch ’08 Scoring Rules. All rules and regulations have been developed by The Official Mullet Scoring Team, composed of myself, and this girl. There are five categories. The first four are worth 0-2 points, while scoring for the fifth and final category gives contestants the opportunity to acquire anywhere from 0-3 points. The maximum score is 10. The scoring categories are as follows:

• Texture: The more impressive the texture, the higher the score.
• Gender: This is kind of a freebie for the ladies. Lets face it: He-mullets are far less funny than Fe-mullets, so by default a woman rocking a mullet automatically scores two points, while a male mullet only scores one. Sorry guys.
• Front to back ratio: The larger the difference in length, the better.
• Context: Here it is important to consider how the mullet fits into the surrounding society. The more outlandish the context, the higher score that is deserved. For example, a mullet seen strutting around an office building should score higher than a mullet discovered shopping at Costco. Or better yet, can you picture Miss Alabama perching her pretty little crown on top of a mullet? I rest my case.
• Mullet Pride: This is an important one. Ask yourselves the following questions: What sets this mullet apart from other varieties? Does this mullet go above and beyond all ridiculousness and take mullet culture/style to a whole new level? How so? What makes this mullet special? Please note: This category is intentionally broad, and gives contestants (especially the men) a chance to regain some points that they may have lost in other areas, such as Gender. While scoring this category please also take into consideration any adornments, such as barettes, clips, etc. In other words: creativity here is encouraged.

Now that we have established the Official Mullet Watch ’08 Scoring Rules, I bring you our first contestant: Mr. Jose Imgay. I discreetly snapped this photo while on the subway earlier this evening. Apparently, Jose Imgay was ‘discreetly’ doing the same thing.

Here is the Official Scoring Analysis:

• Texture: 2 points.
  • Me: I personally am a fan of the texture. The frizzy curl really adds a lot to the overall appearance, especially on the top. The poofy front portion really sells the look.
  • Jennifer concurred.
• Gender: 1 point. For this particular contestant, determining the gender score was simple. This is, however, not always the case. In the event that judges can not discern the gender, the contestant scores a zero. This will happen more often than one would actually anticipate. Moving on.
• Front to back ratio: 1 point.
  • Jennifer: well, it isn’t that extreme. Its pretty long on top. How long was the back?
  • Me: I’d say the length about stops on his shoulders.
  • Jennifer: Well, it could be much longer.
• Context: 1 point.
  • Jennifer: Context. Hmmm. I think since you are in the city, the score has got to be at least a 1, but you were taking public transit….so it can be expected to encounter weirdos.
  • Me: This is the problem I am having. Let’s go with 1 then.
• Mullet pride: 2 points.
  • Jennifer: Does he use product and comb down the sides?
  • Me: It didn’t really appear so, however, he does have a slight side burn type thing going on.
  • Jennifer: But, isn’t it straight on the sides or just short?
  • Me: Well it’s complicated. It was kind of shaved close to his head, so i would say a bit of both. It was short enough to not be curly.
  • Jennifer: Ok, so its higher maintenance.
  • Me: Yes, I would say that’s a fair assessment.
  • Jennifer: Were there highlights?
  • Me: Sadly, no. However, the bottom half was a lighter shade than the top half, unfortunately you can not see this in the photo. But it appeared he had once colored his hair and let it grow out without maintaining the color. So points there.
  • Jennifer: True.

Jose Imgay’s final score: 7 points out of 10 points. That’s a pretty decent mullet! Congratulations, Jose!

While all scores are final, The Official Mullet Scoring Team does appreciate your feedback, and will mostly certainly consider you opinions in future scoring.

Advertisements