Despite physical evidence denoting the contrary, I am not a television junkie. Carry on.
Last night marked the American Idol season finale. Let us all bow our heads in a moment of heartfelt silence as we bid Simon adieu until January. Simon, I am going to miss you, but will think of you every day in our time apart. Ok, probably not. But, you did look moderately attractive last night in your suit. It was nice to see that you bothered to step outside of your grey v-neck comfort zone and actually dress nicely for such an obviously momentous occasion. (Side note: what self-respecting man sports v-necks? That’s an issue for another day, I’m afraid. I know you’re dissipointed, but come on! I can’t give up my best material all at once.)
My housemates are just thrilled at the realization that they will no longer be forcefully subjected to Holy American Idol Hour every Tuesday. Ahem. And Wednesday.
Anyway, here are my thoughts on last night’s finale, I’ll be impressed if you make it to the end.
I wonder how much green Gary Barber and Roger Birnbaum had to shell out to Fox in order to score their 5 minute “Love Guru” film plug with Cook and Archuleta. Are you effing kidding me? As if me trying to watch a TWO HOUR season finale of a crappy television show isn’t painful enough Fox goes ahead and throws in 5 minutes of fake-comedy sketch with a visit from “The Love Guru?” Barf? Of course I sat through it (just like the other 97 million people) but Fox, I hope you know that I was not happy about it.
I have done a 180 in regards to my feelings for hippie stoner Jason Castro. And we are engaged to be married next month, right after he takes a shower. Just kidding. BUT his performance last night was amazing. It didn’t hurt that he sang the hell out of one of my all time favorite songs, Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. I will actually be paying to download his rendition, because it almost moved me to tears. For now, though, I invite you to view the Youtube clip below:
WHY did I have to witness David Cook with his pants off? Let’s add insult to injury. Thank you, Guitar Hero, for making my eyes bleed. Forever. For those of you that are blissfully unaware and have not seen the new Guitar Hero commercial featuring David Cook jumping around a living room pantless, which rocking out to Guitar Hero, consider yourselves lucky. I like David Cook as a performer, and he deserved to win. If by ‘deserved’ you mean ‘sold his soul to American Idol for the remainder of his career. But I digress. I do not find the man attractive in the slightest. I have a hard time understanding the whole “My stylists spent three hours mussing my hair into this perfect ‘just rolled out of the dumpster’ look, and shaving my five o’clock shadow into two separate levels of five o’clock shadow, thing. What a giant tool.
Three words: Syesha and Seal?! Who that bitch think she is? She’s a pretty good singer, and granted she is smoking hot, but making it to the final three on American Idol positions her next to SEAL on the hierarchy of outstanding musical performers? Are you kidding me? That’s like saying I’m worthy of boning Johnny Deep simply because he passed me on the sidewalk. Twice. Actually, it’s not like that at all. Whatever.
I got duped. For some reason, Idol thought it would be cool to have the USC marching band and cheerleaders perform during the finale. Let me just take this opportunity to say “I GOT JIPPED.” I’ve never been a cheerleader, nor would I ever want to be be one, but can someone please tell me WHY these girls are on television in front of 97 million people? I’ll tell you why. Because they opted to attend USC instead of Luther College. For less money. And more sunshine. And less mother-freaking cornfields. My college experience was completely different than the one these little bitches are enjoying. Now, don’t get me wrong: I met some wonderful friends in college, including the man I intend to be with forever. Obviously my life would be entirely different had I went to college somewhere other than where I did, and because of that I can’t and don’t regret my decisions and where I came from. BUT if none of that were a concern you can bet your little asses that I would have MUCH rather attended somewhere like USC. I missed out on the big school college experience, and truthfully, I’m a little bitter about it.
And finally, I would like to give a shout out to my high school peeps before asking you to view the following clip. Show choir much? I dare you to just TRY and formulate an argument that disagrees with me.
Now that American Idol is over I am thrilled to report that “The Moment of Truth” is returning to prime time television, with new episodes all summer. Thank God that I can finally watch other people trainwreck as they run their lives into the ground for the chance at $500,000. YES. I LOVE IT.
And finally, tonight is the two hour season finale of Grey’s Anatomy. Boyfriend is going to be so thrilled when he hears about this. He’s such a trooper. Side note: Boyfriend said Ellen Pompeo’s husband is super nice. Doesn’t that make you Grey’s lovers happy inside?
well. We never looked that good in white? Nevermind, it was totally show choir.